Big Black Book of Secrets

So I’ve mocked Men’s Health magazine in the past by describing the publication as a Cosmo mag for boys.

But now they’ve gone and outdone themselves with the BLACK BOOK, which purports to be “The Guy Guide to Male Wisdom.”

An excerpt from Dating and Seduction titled Your Voice.

The most attractive women prefer deep-voiced men, according to a study by Scottish researchers. It suggests high testosterone levels, a sign of strength and reproductive prowess. Push out air with your diaphragm, not your throat. This lengthens the column of air moving past your vocal chords. “It’s like a built-in subwoofer,” says voice coach Joanna Joella.

Seriously? And what happens when one’s voice accidentally warbles into its true treble? Do you blame the lapse on a belated, adolesence-in-reverse?

Remember actor Jon Hamm’s hysterical bedroom scene in Bridesmaids? Think of the added comedy if that deep, resonant voice had suddenly cracked into a much higher pitch during his monologue of Praise to Thyself.

The Black Book also offers a variety of special, er, positions one might employ to enhance one’s sex life. If, that is, the deep-voice routine hasn’t made you the laughing-stock at every bar or club in town.

The problem isn’t with the positions themselves. It’s the names.

Girls, do any of these sound even remotely appealing?

The Belly Flop.

The Lazy Man.

The Spork.

The Man Chair.

All seem to imply, well, a bit of selfishness, perhaps? (Note: The “Spork” also requires the woman to be limber. Imagine explaining that injury to the ER doc.)

In other words: Guys. Really. The only thing this book is good for is a good laugh.

On you.

 

 

6 thoughts on “Big Black Book of Secrets

  1. As always I don’t understand anything you woman say. What’s wrong with us trying to change things up a little. I haven’t seen this magazine, but I’m in full
    favor of anythig called the belly flop or the man chair. They both sound like alot of fun to me.

    Like

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