Arkie Mama: My butt, part 2

I’m thinking about requesting a pair of Zumba pants for Christmas, so last night I asked the instructor what size she thought I would wear.

“Turn around, so I can see you from the side,” she said.

I complied.

“Well, you’re a lot like me. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t really have a butt either.”

She swiveled, showing me the rest of a body that I would so love to have.

“If I were you, I’d go with a medium,” she added.

I smiled and thanked her.

But really, inside my head, there was a total fiesta going on. We’re talking confetti eggs, pinatas, streamers, the works.

She said I have no butt! She said I have NO BUTT!!!

I wanted to hug her.

My rear has long been the bane of my existence. During both of my pregnancies, I looked as though I was carrying twins — one located in the front, the other in the back. I mean, my butt EXPLODED, people.


See, I look pregnant on both ends

See, I look pregnant on both ends

When I was pregnant with the E-man, I was embarrassed twice by comments about the size of my derierre.

One day, when I was walking into work, a female security guard hollered, “Girl, I know you must be having a boy! I can tell just by looking at your backside!”

Another day, I walked into a restaurant, where I was meeting a group of Child Protective Services for lunch. I had been following two of them around for weeks while working on a story. Their secretary, an older woman, also was there.

“Oh my,” she said. “Look at that rear. Are you having a boy?”

A dozen heads swiveled to check out my butt. I prayed for a remark in my defense, but no one uttered a word. How could they, when the evidence was so plainly in front of them.

Thing is, my butt was huge during my first pregnancy as well. And at that time, I was having a girl.

5 thoughts on “Arkie Mama: My butt, part 2

  1. I think you HAVE to post a current photo of your butt. I’ve seen it (it sits right in front of me all day) and it is truly shrinking. Must be the Zumba (where do I sign up?) Maybe if you see a photo you’ll finally let it sink in. Pregnant butts are monsters that we should never recognize as our own. They’re only visiting aliens.


  2. How could I have possibly missed a post entitled “My butt, Part I”? I need to know more about the zumba pants. Could you post a photo of them along with the current photo of your butt?


  3. I have had 2 comments about my butt, both from coworkers and I was not even pregnant. One of the many, many treatments for endometrosis I gained about 20-25 pounds and my butt and face were the first to get big! I walked in one day and one of the guys that I worked with said “Dang, girl your butt is BIG”. I told him to go and ask his girlfriend about that statement. He appoligized the next day. The other was from a girl at work and she just out of the blue asked if my butt was getting bigger. As soon as I stopped the treatments lost the weight and butt went back to normal.


  4. i’ve always been blessed with a junky trunk. totally fine until right above my belly button then, BLADOW! my body balloons out and slowly calms down around my knees.


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