Originally posted April 22, 2008 on the old Arkie Mama blog.

A How-to Guide for Driving Daddy Crazy during his Attempts to Photograph You & Your Siblings

(written by the E-man, age 3)

Step One: Complain upon waking from nap that something is in your eye. Refuse to open eye. Do NOT smirk as Mommy Googles “toddler eye pain” and “scratched cornea.” Keep eye closed for the next hour. Maintain squint even when Daddy insists on herding you and siblings out the door for the planned photo shoot. Just remember, you will show him who’s boss very, very soon.

Step Two: Make sure your eye pain is evident in photos. This has the added benefit of ensuring you maintain a proper, non-photogenic grimace.

Step 3: Look to your right…

Step 4: Look to your left…

Step 5: Recapture grimace and ignore Daddy’s pleas to look at the camera. (Note that brother and one sister are beginning to show the strain. Heh.)

Step 6: Ignore Mommy’s stupid antics. She is not funny. Note that oldest sister also appears to be losing patience. She is no match for the E-man.

Step 7: Intensify scowl. Keep ignoring Mommy, who is now pretending to be a monkey. THEY CANNOT BREAK YOU!!

Step 8: Don’t let them catch you off-guard with a change of scene. You aren’t so easily fooled. Why does my mother persist in acting like such an idiot? Clearly, she is suffering from some sort of crazed belief that she is Carol Burnett reinvented.

Step 9: Realize that parents are annoyingly persistent creatures. When they make you stand behind the stupid tree, pucker your face to show contempt for this blindingly obvious maneuver.

Step 10: Wait until after the group has disbanded before flashing a look of triumph toward the camera.