I already had a crappy day, so I figured, what the hell, why not watch Fox’s ridiculously melodramtic Octomom: Unseen.

OK, first — unseen?

Oh, Fox. You crack me up. Really.

So here’s what I’ve learned thus far:

Nadya thinks her house is haunted.

Yes, by your endless fantasies involving unscrupulous fertility specialists, sweetie. What’s that? You’re scared of your storage closet? EVERYONE is scared of their storage closet, especially if they’re married to a packrat spouse. *ahem*

My favorite part? Nadya tells the film crew that she no longer uses a certain haunted bathroom because once, right before she, you know, went, she heard a child’s voice saying, “Mommy.”

Has anyone present used the bathroom in the past decade without hearing “Mommy?”

Because if that’s the big indicator that your house is haunted — well, I’d best start preparing for the swiveling-head vomit scene right now.

Oh, yeah. Been there done that. Heh. Ever clean up after a kid with Rotovirus?

Back to Nadya: Her parents clearly think she’s demented. OK, well, her mom thinks Nadya has issues. Daddy, well … either he’s really medicated or he has even more probs than his seriously wacko daughter.

Mother’s Day at Nadya’s place? Wow. Sexually active teenagers should be forced to watch this portion of the show. I’m breaking out into hives rightthisveryminute.

Commercial break: Can anyone tell me why Old Navy’s talking mannequins pant? Every time I hear the beginning of this ad, I flashback to those stupid Showtime soft-porn movies that junior high boys used to snicker over. Come to think of it, I think mannequins starred in those as well. Hmm. Creepy.

Oops. Sat on the remote. Have missed part of the super-exclusive Octomom birth video. Still, I’ve managed to ascertain that the medical staff hated Nadya’s camera person. For good reason. When told to get out of the way of bustling nurses, the camera person replies, “You are very antagonistic.”

Much arguing follows. Just what you want during a C-section involving eight babies — a standoff between those delivering said babies and a belligerent videographer.

Am now listening to the screams of Octomom’s eight infants. It’s been three years since I last nursed a baby, but I could swear I’m lactating right now.